


Something to Live For, A Reason to Smile…

by TinManNFO



Category: Code Geass
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-18 13:24:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21961297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinManNFO/pseuds/TinManNFO
Summary: Two years after the Zero Requiem, Cecile and Suzaku cross paths again.  They rediscover their connection, work through their baggage, and together find what they were looking for all along.
Relationships: Cecile Croomy & Kururugi Suzaku, Cecile Croomy/Kururugi Suzaku
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Foreword
> 
> Warning: Massive Spoilers Throughout. If this matters to you, please have watched both seasons (“R1” and “R2”) of Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion prior to reading this story. This story also references the Code Geass Picture Dramas released with the DVD/Blu-Ray media, particularly “Turn 22.05”. This story is set in the TV series continuity whose “canon” ends with the close of season two, and not the compilation movie continuity, which has plot differences and is considered to be an alternate reality/timeline. As of writing time (Sep 2019), the Code Geass: Lelouch of the Re;surrection [sic] movie has not yet been released formally in the United States; this movie occurs in the movie continuity, but I have used a couple elements from it for setting purposes based on limited reading of reviews of the movie. I have tried my best to present the characters as screen-accurately as practical, including hours of rewatching the series and reviewing scenes of how some of them interact with each other, but please accept my apologies in advance for any lapses or oversights. One other note is that I made some choices in the world events that occur between the end of R2 and this story that, while I think are reasonable, I imagine some readers may disagree with, both in order to make the plot arc possible and also to make the use of several of the existing characters plausible rather than inventing new, unfamiliar characters. Also, I filled in some of the blanks of how things work off screen with details from my own experience, which of course will differ from the experiences of others. For any of those with differences of opinion on the story, feel free to respond with feedback, and I also encourage you to be inspired to write your own version of how you would like things to play out, the way I was inspired by the show and by reading other writers’ stories to write this one. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion and pre-existing characters from the series are copyright of Sunrise Inc. and/or Clamp. As a work of fan fiction, this story is written for artistic value only and shall not be used for financial gain. Any names, characters, and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any real places are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

_“The punishment for what you've done shall be this then; you will live on, always wearing that mask serving as a knight for justice and truth. You will no longer live your life as Suzaku Kururugi. You shall sacrifice the ordinary pleasures of your life for the benefit of the world, for eternity.”_

_“This Geass I do solemnly accept…”_

Suzaku looked out grimly through the window of the transport aircraft at the setting sun. He momentarily noted the irony that his reflection in the window was of the Zero mask he had accepted the mantle of bearing.

So much death. So many innocent lives lost. Friends lost. Princess Euphemia… His hands clenched reflexively. They were gone, and no amount of anger or will would bring them back now. He relaxed a bit as he again pondered whether things could have happened differently, whether peace could have been achieved with so much less bloodshed than how things ended up playing out.

Being Empress Nunnally vi Britannia’s de facto head of security and senior military advisor, he had little time to himself. While Nunnally was like a sister to him, his acting in the identity of Zero severely limited his ability to be himself and be personable in the vast majority of interactions with her. Nunnally’s role was more that of a figurehead, and many of the leadership duties were given to Prince Schneizel, though under Suzaku’s direction through the Geass Lelouch had used on him. Suzaku often found that he had to manage the leadership team between the three of them while basically acting as the operations officer, and once in a while he had to try to interject what he thought was right if Schneizel drifted towards his amoral side or if Nunnally wanted to try something too unworkably idealistic.

While Suzaku in the role of Zero was still nominally the leader of the Black Knights, their reorganization after the end of Emperor Lelouch’s reign and the subsequent overall peace had made them less active and less visible. Also, the spectacular command and control problems that occurred with the Black Knights at the Second Battle of Tokyo and afterwards convinced most of the United Federation of Nations that they needed to modify their approach to military structure. Lelouch, as Zero at the time leading the Black Knights as a contracted military force, was officially conducting a UFN mission to liberate Japan, but he suddenly deviated from it when it conflicted with his hidden agenda and real objective, to capture his sister Nunnally, then Viceroy of Area 11/Japan, to protect her.

After the confusion and allegiance-shifting that happened as a result, most of the nations realized it was reckless to cede so much of their sovereignty to a single person to the point that they would not have any military force, even for self defense if an incident occurred too quickly for a security council of the UFN to come to a consensus to act. The UFN military was restructured as a closely-knit coalition of partner nation forces, with the Black Knights becoming a unit used for special missions and as a lead force in larger combined operations, with personnel volunteering from the various UFN nations. Suzaku delegated most of the running of day-to-day operations to subordinate leaders, and only generally exercised command directly when they were called upon by the UFN for actual incidents, which thankfully was rather rare. This allowed him to spend more of his time protecting and advising Nunnally, which was what he preferred anyway.

Fortunately, after the political situation had settled down, and reconciliation between many of the nations involved had been achieved, Suzaku had been able to arrange to have Sayoko Shinozaki reassume her previous role as Nunnally’s caretaker. He was glad that Nunnally had someone she knew well and trusted to assist her with her disabilities.

As he ruminated, his mind drifted momentarily to the one thing that had managed to give him a feeling of anticipation. The Empress was scheduled to conduct a morale visit at the Britannian Pacific Fleet headquarters, and that meant the _Avalon_. In many ways, home.

After the Battle of Mt. Fuji against the _Damocles_ , _Avalon_ had eventually been repaired and returned to service. As one of the few operational capital ships at the end of the war, she had been assigned to be the flagship and command ship of the Pacific Fleet, as well as once again becoming the home of the Camelot Engineering Corps’ Advanced Special Envoy Engineering Corps (ASEEC). With the diplomatic efforts that Nunnally had been engaged in to restore international relations, it had been decided that using more conventional means of transportation whenever possible would encourage an image of reconciliation and détente for that mission, which made a massive airborne battleship and carrier like the _Avalon_ impractical as Nunnally’s main mode of transportation or base of operations.

In the mean time, _Avalon_ had been going through the rounds of training exercises, presence patrols, humanitarian relief operations, and engineering field testing and evaluation that encompassed her varied roles. This meant that Suzaku had not had a chance to cross paths with the _Avalon_ in about two years, let alone the few people left who felt like his true friends, and the one person left who really knew him and had been there for him through everything…

_“…You shall sacrifice the ordinary pleasures of your life…”_

Suzaku shook his head, feeling conflicted. Even small kinds of happiness?

He found the Zero mask to be particularly oppressive at that moment. Suzaku had been very careful that no one see his face since the Zero Requiem two years ago, not even having a real medical checkup. He had to wear the mask basically everywhere except in his own quarters or sometimes in a bathroom. He had learned that hiding his face also meant hiding all of the facial expressions used to communicate as well. As a result, he felt increasingly disconnected from people around him. Notwithstanding his childhood trauma with the death of his father and dealing with classified information for the military, he had been previously used to a general degree of openness in his day to day life, and all the secrets and hiding his thoughts had become wearing on him.

He had been prepared to sacrifice everything, even his own individuality, for Lelouch’s plan for peace, but his mind was still human and sought human contact. It was easy to ignore at first, but, as time went on, he had started to notice he increasingly missed the people he had been close to before, and he would catch himself wondering if he could contact them again. There was so much he could make himself do through sheer willpower, but the small voice in his heart kept coming back to him.

Suzaku found his thoughts often wandered to the person who had been such a fixture in his daily life, but whom he only realized he should have appreciated more in hindsight, his colleague at ASEEC, Cecile Croomy. He had tried to suppress it, but the fact that she was a woman he admittedly found attractive hadn’t helped in that regard. Sometimes as he slept, he would dream of being in more innocent times again, just chatting about daily life with her as they worked on the Lancelot together or their talking and laughing together navigating, sometimes awkwardly, another one of the functions he attended as a knight.

He tried to shake the thoughts away again, but the image of the kind, intelligent, beautiful woman and friend refused to fade away.

* * *

Hours later and half a world away, onboard the _Avalon_ , Cecile was wrapping up her work for the day at a computer in an office off the main laboratory and hangar area. She had been rather busy the past few months, as she was the project manager for several of the ASEEC’s flight propulsion and energy projection technology development efforts. Lloyd Asplund was up to his usual antics as the chief engineer and kept her on her toes with some of the more exotic innovations he came up with. Being a fairly skilled Knightmare Frame pilot herself, she had also started participating in flight testing.

It was a unique opportunity for her, as she got to see many of her designs go from an idea to actual use in a realistic environment in a short period of time. ASEEC was given a lot of leeway in the development process, which occasionally led to some dangerous oversights, with building experimental craft without ejection systems being one of the more notable ones, but it had been crucial during the war, as their ability to field new Knightmare technology and other advancements ended up saving the day or reducing losses in numerous battles. With their rapid manufacturing capability on board, she could come up with a design or improvement, prototype it, and fly it on a Knightmare herself within days.

Cecile was thankful for the relative peace that had come after the Zero Requiem, but as a military officer, she knew that, as long as humans were capable of evil, people who wanted to work for good had to be prepared fight those who might use force for nefarious ends.

Since the _Avalon_ was not just a research ship but often the command ship in Pacific Fleet military training exercises, she got the chance to try to see how new ideas would work as close as they could get to actual combat. There had been a number of times where they had a difficult training scenario in which Cecile, Lloyd, and their team had been able to think of a technical solution that would give them an advantage or shift the tide of battle. They then would actually build it and implement it on site, and they would develop new tactics, techniques, and procedures to overcome the problems in surprising ways.

The _Avalon_ and many of her sister airships and surface ships in the fleet had just participated in combined exercises with other United Federation of Nations partner forces, and she was glad they were finally headed back to Pearl Harbor. After a few weeks of being stuck in the ship, other than when she was flying a Knightmare, being able to stand on the ground and see grass and trees sounded very alluring to her.

Lloyd stopped at the door. “Miss Cecile, I noticed something in the message traffic that you might be interested in…,” he said casually, but with a slight knowing smile. Cecile sensed something was out of the ordinary. He continued, “I forwarded it to you, on the high side that is… By the way, could you please make sure to send me the new test report summary before the staff meeting tomorrow? You know how those program office folks can be about making sure the funds are well-spent…”

“Thank you, Lloyd. And I’ll make sure to get the slides to you first thing in the morning.” Lloyd ducked back out.

She turned to one of the workstations near her and logged in to the classified network. Looking in her mailbox, near the top was the message Lloyd mentioned, and she opened it. After breezing through the large amount of header information, she started reading the main part of the text: “AVALON IS DIRECTED TO RENDEZVOUS WITH BRITANNIA ONE ON OR ABOUT…”

Her heart skipped a beat. That meant Empress Nunnally, and that meant…Suzaku. She remembered that Suzaku should be turning twenty in a few days, and she noted on the timeline that the visit would be about a couple weeks out.

She had missed Suzaku daily, but, after such a long stretch of not having contact with him, it had faded somewhat into the background, like it would be if every day was an overcast day. With this news, the feeling came back in full force.

The precocious and idealistic boy she had first met had quickly, too quickly, become a man and a hardened warrior in the short years she had known him, having experienced so much combat and so much loss. She last saw him shortly before the Battle of Mt. Fuji about two years ago, and she was afraid of how he might have changed in the time that had passed with the weight that he had been carrying.

She had to stand up and walk around for a moment, and she went to the window and yawned.

Suzaku had a gift as a pilot, and while she was an excellent pilot no one could match the operational efficiency rate he had. He didn’t so much pilot the Lancelot as he operated it like an extension of his body. She often found herself thinking “if Suzaku were here…” or wishing he could be there to help her check out something. But more than that she just missed the quiet time talking with him about random things, whether it be when she was helping him with his schoolwork or tinkering inside one of the vehicles. Even after he lost Princess Euphemia, though he got into a much darker place, his personality, sense of responsibility, and natural instinct to care kept trying to shine through even in the worst of times.

She just hoped the man she had come to have so much affection for would still be there.


	2. Chapter 2

The days flew by, and finally the morning came for the visit.

Over the Pacific, the _Avalon_ and her escorts joined on the group of air transports and escorts carrying the Empress, the Prime Minister, and their staff. The transport carrying Nunnally and the rest of the official party, and therefore assigned the callsign _Britannia One_ , separated from its formation and moved to a docking position behind _Avalon’s_ aft hangar bay.

There was an all-hands quarters for personnel not on watch, and the available military staff was mustered in formation. As the acting department head, Cecile stood at the head of the formation of the ASEEC military staff. The civilian science and engineering staff were in another group next to them. Lloyd, being his normal informal self, stood with a gaggle of the higher-ranking civilians and a couple other former nobles who were there to represent the former colony of Hawaii.

As the transport touched down in the hangar, over the intercom the boatswain sounded the bells and piped the side. “Empress of Britannia, arriving. Prime Minister of Britannia, arriving.”

The transport shut down, and the ramp slowly lowered.

Suzaku stood holding Nunnally’s wheelchair in the entryway of the air transport, with Prince Schneizel to one side and Sayoko and other members of the entourage on the other. He had done this many times before, but his heart started to race this time. Officially, only four other people were left who were supposed to know he was alive, and two of them would be here, Cecile and Lloyd.

As the ramp came down and the exterior light filled the space, Suzaku kept his face forward but behind the mask anxiously scanned the large audience with his eyes. He finally saw what he was looking for, a woman with indigo hair in uniform standing at attention at the head of a formation but with expectant blue eyes turned toward where he was.

After the series of ceremonial formalities, the official party proceeded to a small temporary stage and podium. Prince Schniezel as the Prime Minister gave a brief introduction for the Empress before turning the floor to her. Nunnally gave a mercifully short and engaging speech before the formation was allowed to fall out. The event proceeded into a much more informal meet-and-greet, and the hangar bay became a raucous crowd of socialization. Nunnally, as she usually liked to do, wanted the visit to be personable and wanted to talk and connect directly to as many people as she could who served under her. Many of the younger military and civilian staff wanted to have their photos taken with Nunnally and gathered around her. In the meantime, Prince Schneizel was a bit away talking with some of the former noblemen and women, some of whom he had met in passing previously.

Suzaku felt a certain bit of relief looking around at the large group of young men and women in uniform enjoying themselves and just being normal people. Many of them were about his age, and, having been a Knight of the Round, he technically outranked even the older personnel. Mostly of them fortunately had not seen the horrific amount of death and destruction he had. A decent number of them probably would have been honorary Britannians in the past like he was but were full citizens now.

Cecile, still trying to figure out how to approach the situation, wandered over to where Lloyd was, not too far from where the members of the official party were standing. She bit her lip and wrung her hands a little.

Lloyd chided, “My, my, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this antsy.”

She grimaced a bit, not really having a good response. “Lloyd, you’re not helping!”

As the crowd started to disperse, and personnel slowly drifted off to their normal activities, Cecile decided to be bold, and she finally gulped and walked up to Suzaku. Lloyd observed with his usual bemusement. Suzaku stood relatively quietly at the edge of the small group that was immediately talking with Nunnally, with a couple of the security detail members and Sayoko also near her.

Suzaku noticed Cecile out of the corner of his eye and gulped. He hadn’t gotten stomach butterflies like this more than a few times before and wasn’t quite sure how to respond. He turned toward her and bowed slightly. “Miss Cecile…”

Trying to not be heard by anyone other than him, she said to him quietly but directly, “Please, I need to see you…”

She looked up anxiously at the blank visage of the Zero mask. Suzaku hesitated. He was torn between his promise to Lelouch and what deep inside he wanted to do, what he felt in his heart. He looked down into her light blue eyes, which were full of determination and desperation at the same time, knowing that the last time she saw his face was before he went into combat at the Battle of Mt. Fuji.

Suzaku glanced to the side and noticed Sayoko was looking at them from her place next to Nunnally’s wheelchair. Though he chose not to bring up the issue, over time he suspected that more and more people around him had guessed or suspected his true identity. Those who saw him at Lelouch’s assassination and knew his fighting style probably deduced it, and he wasn’t sure how far any rumors from them may have spread. Also, the Zero mask didn’t completely hide all aspects of his voice, and at this point he pretty much assumed that Nunnally, with her heightened sense of touch and hearing, and Sayoko, with her prior secret service training and familiarity with him when he was a student at Ashford Academy, already knew who he was.

Sayoko nodded and said softly, “There’s nothing to worry about here. I can take care of Nunnally for a bit to give you some time.”

Suzaku whispered, “Thank you.”

Lloyd was feeling a bit charitable today and decided to try to be helpful. As much to satisfy his own curiosity and amusement, he went up to the others and interjected. “Mister Zero, it’s been a long time since we last crossed paths, hasn’t it?”

Suzaku feigned unfamiliarity somewhat. “Professor Asplund, I’m honored to once again make your acquaintance.”

“Why don’t Miss Cecile and I show you some of our recent projects?” Lloyd said with a slight wink.

“I would greatly appreciate it.”

One of the security detail agents looked at Suzaku and then Sayoko, and Sayoko nodded that it was okay. Lloyd, Cecile, and Suzaku started ambling away from the rest of the group, with Lloyd pointing out various things about some of the nearby vehicles, aircraft, and Knightmare Frames in the hangar. Cecile tried to take some of the talking, but she felt flustered and off-kilter not being able to see Suzaku’s face. Suzaku felt a bit awkward and mostly just nodded.

Once they were a bit out of earshot of the rest of the crowd, Lloyd changed his tune to something more normal. He put his hand on Suzaku’s shoulder, and said more personably, “It’s nice to have you back, old chap!”

Suzaku relaxed. “Thank you, Lloyd.”

“It’s not the same without our favorite devicer, though you would be proud of what Cecile has been up to,” Lloyd said nudging his arm. Cecile tried to smile as best she could.

Cecile was generally very cool under fire, sometimes almost unnaturally so, but her emotions were a jumbled mess right now.

They got to the office area, where no one else was at the moment. Lloyd said, “I’m sure you two would like a moment to talk alone. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do…oh, never mind…” He walked back out.

Suzaku had often worked with Cecile and Lloyd here on design drawings and schematics or other documents, away from the noise and bustle of the lab, workshop, or hangar. The familiarity of the environment contrasted with his uncertainty of the situation. He half-stuttered out, “Uh, do you mind if I close the door?”

Cecile said, “oh, of course,” remembering that having someone walk in would make their lives infinitely more complicated, and Suzaku closed and locked the door.

They stood there looking awkwardly at each other for a moment. Part of him had been waiting for this for a long time, but he was unsure if he was “doing this right.” He took a breath and grasped the mask and retracted the back part of it.

Suzaku lifted the Zero mask away from his face and set it on the desk next to him. Cecile saw his green eyes for the first time in two years, full of sadness, pain, and fatigue, but anxiously looking for her acceptance, or maybe forgiveness. Her brow furrowed with concern, but the Suzaku she knew was still there.

She said, “Oh, Suzaku,” and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face against his shoulder. He hesitated for a moment and then slowly wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned his head against hers and closed his eyes. They started to fill with tears as he felt the warmth of her embrace. Cecile wasn’t sure about how he was feeling towards her, but she could feel the gentle touch of his hands on her back. Her eyes filled as well, and she let out an inadvertent sob. Suzaku held her tighter and rocked her gently in his arms. Part of him wanted to just stay there forever, never having to let go.

Suzaku wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually he lifted his head and backed it up enough for Cecile to be able to see his face while still holding her. Their eyes met, and he started, “Cecile…” He noticed he dropped his usual “Miss” because it felt right under the circumstances and because part of him wanted to try to be less formal with her. “I’m so sorry I left you in that prison.”

She responded, “Suzaku, it’s okay, it was part of the plan. I was just glad you were alive. I’ve missed you so much.”

Suzaku didn’t know how much time he would have to see her and talk to her, not just for that day but for the rest of his life. “It’s been complicated for me, but I’ve missed you as well.”

He let go of her, not sure of how to resolve the situation. There was a big fork in the road in front of him, and he felt torn on what was the right thing to do. She sensed something amiss and let go, unsure of and anxious about what he might say.

“Cecile, it’s been really difficult for me to know what I’m supposed to do.” Suzaku turned away slightly to look out the armored glass window. “When I…I killed Lelouch on that parade float, he asked a wish of me before he died that I accepted. He compared it to his Geass power, which in hindsight was ironic since he used that power mostly to compel people to do things against their wills. That wish was that I no longer live as Suzaku Kururugi and always wear the mask of Zero as a knight serving for justice and truth, that I give up life’s normal pleasures for the benefit of the world, forever…”

He turned away from her towards the window and shifted his gaze downward slightly. “I tried to live that since then, but every now and then I’d think of you. How you’d been there for me through every step of the way since we met, and how I’d just left you. I tried to force myself to set aside anything that made me feel happy, but, even then, when I could sleep I would dream of you and old times. I’m breaking my promise just by letting myself see you, but…”

Cecile moved to stand close to him and looked up into his eyes with concern. “I can understand why Lelouch would ask you to do that, but you’re not a robot, Suzaku. You’re a human, a person, and that’s wrong! And I won’t let you just make everything unique and special about you cease to exist, not when you’re right here! I won’t lose someone else I…I…”

Suzaku gulped and took her hands, and they sat together in two of the nearby desk chairs facing each other. It struck him that Cecile’s plea to him reminded him of his last moments with Euphemia, when he was by her side pleading with her to stay with him.

_“Please, Euphie. No, don’t go!”_

He realized Cecile was also desperate to not lose someone who meant so much to her. He looked down at the floor for a moment.

He started to explain, “When Euphie died…she was the one person I felt like I really connected with, and I couldn’t bear her leaving me alone. All I wanted was for her to stay with me and be a part of my life and for me to be a part of hers. But, there was nothing I could do, nothing even the supernatural powers of Geass could do, and she was gone. So I know…” Suzaku choked up and had to stop.

Cecile squeezed his hands and after a minute she responded, “Suzaku, I don’t know how I should say this, but I lost someone as well, before I met you. I talked to C.C. about it when we were planning the Zero Requiem with you and the others, and Lloyd knows about it since I’ve worked with him for so long, but I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else for a long time. He was a pilot like you…and was a lot like you in many ways…always putting duty first. I fell in love with him, but I had to accept that to him I would always be at least second to his responsibilities.” She looked down. “But one day he went on a combat mission and…never came back. It hurt a lot, and it was really hard, but eventually I had to move on.”

Suzaku was a little surprised, as she never really talked about that part of her past with him. Their eyes met again, and she continued, “As I got to know you, I realized I…I was starting to have the same feelings towards you.” She started to blush and looked aside slightly before turning her eyes back to him. He blushed awkwardly for a moment in response before she continued, “I know it’s a bit forward to tell you that, but I didn’t know if I’d lost you as well, and I have to try to reach you while I know you’re still here, while you’re still you.”

Suzaku’s eyes softened. “I know it’s not fair to compare you and Euphie, to either of you, but once I started to accept that she wasn’t coming back, I slowly realized over the last couple years that you were someone I looked forward to seeing and sharing things with, and that of everyone who was left you knew me the best.” He paused uncertainly for a moment before saying, “The more I thought about you, the more I also realized how beautiful you are.” He blushed, and she couldn’t help a smile. “Part of me…my heart wants to try to see what happens with you, and I don’t want you to get hurt like that again, but I don’t want to break my promise to Lelouch. What do I do?”

Cecile said gently, “I’m not asking you to give up serving for justice or truth or working for the good of the world. I’m not even asking to give up the identity of Zero or something like that. I just don’t see that you can do that indefinitely if you aren’t healthy as a whole person. You weren’t here when this happened, but a long time ago, after the battle at Narita, I was worried about you because I realized your wanting to save lives was starting to become an obsession, like you were putting yourself at risk to make up for something. Lloyd wanted to continue testing with you because your performance hadn’t worsened, but I warned him that if we treated you like just a subsystem of the Lancelot and didn’t make sure you were cared for mentally and emotionally as well there would be serious issues. Now you’re doing that to yourself, and it isn’t right. I know you’d be breaking your promise to Lelouch at face value, but he didn’t make perfect decisions by any means, and maybe his request of you wasn’t perfect either. Maybe you could eventually fulfill his dream even better than what he imagined by trying to fulfill yours as well.”

Suzaku was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Cecile rubbed his hands in hers gently while she waited for him.

Finally, he said, “I want to try, but I don’t know how.”

Cecile thought for a moment and responded kindly, “Suzaku, I know we haven’t led anything close to normal lives, but remember that we’re soldiers, like so many of those young men and women out there,” gesturing generally towards the hangar area outside. “So many of them go to war and sometimes experience terrible things like we have, but then go home to their spouses and children and live lives as husbands, wives, mothers, fathers as well. They somehow make time against all odds to make it work because both their duties to serve and the desire to fully live the lives they want are so important to them. Maybe you can, we can, do that too.”

“I’m not even sure where to start.” The closest thing he had lived to a normal life was his couple years at Ashford Academy, but there were so many experiences most people had in their childhood or as young adults that he never got to have.

“Maybe just start with something small.” She thought for a moment, and her face brightened. “Oh, that’s right, your birthday was a few days ago! Happy birthday! Since _Avalon_ was home ported at Pearl Harbor, I have a house here in Hawaii off base now so I don’t have to live on the ship when it’s here. It’s in a quiet, beautiful place away from the city. How about I have you over for dinner at my place, and we’ll play it by ear from there! You still have my number, right? It’ll be my birthday treat!”

Suzaku looked up at her, smiling a bit at the suggestion as the wheels started turning in his head. Something felt refreshing about having something to look forward to, something fun to plan for.

“Thank you, Cecile. Well, Nunnally has visits with the public in Honolulu tomorrow, then the base tour and meeting the military families Friday, but then it’s just R&R for the weekend, so I guess Friday night might work? But, how do I even get off the base?” Suzaku responded, gesturing at the Zero mask.

She closed her eyes and smiled brightly. “We’ll figure out a plan, like we always do!”

“Okay…as long as I do the cooking!”

Cecile feigned a look of mock offense and slapped his arm lightly. They hugged each other, and Suzaku put back on the Zero mask.

* * *

A little later, at Nunnally’s temporary quarters on the ship, Suzaku pressed the door chime button. The door slid open, and Sayoko was there.

“Sayoko, do you mind if I talk to Her Highness in private for a few minutes?”

“Of course. She’s in the back room.”

“Thank you so much,” Suzaku said with a slight nod of appreciation.

This was the space that Prince Schneizel and later Lelouch had used onboard, and was comparatively lavish. Suzaku had only seen it a relative handful of times. These days it was only generally used by distinguished visitors, and the CO, XO, and embarked Flag Officer had more utilitarian accommodations. He rung the chime on the one room, and Nunnally opened the door and invited him in.

Once the door closed, he knelt on one knee in front of her. “Your Highness, I very respectfully request your permission…for a brief temporary deviation from my duties.”

Nunnally was a bit surprised. “Oh, what is it?”

Suzaku was silent for a moment and then reached for the Zero mask and retracted it. Nunnally gasped in response. He lifted the mask away, and his green eyes met her violet eyes for the first time.

“Suzaku…” She had known it was him since the day he ended the life and reign of terror of her brother, Lelouch. But she hadn’t wanted to force him to bring up his identity unless he decided it was the right time.

“Nunnally, first I need to apologize for all the pain I have caused you.” He bowed his head. Nunnally had spent plenty of time over the past two years coming to an understanding of why her big brother did what he chose to do, and the choices that Suzaku was forced to make because of that.

“Please, sit, Suzaku. You don’t need to be that way right now.”

“Thanks, Nunnally.”

They moved so that he could sit across from her wheelchair. She took his hand as she often liked to do when she wanted to really communicate with someone.

“Big brother did a lot of things that I think were wrong, but he did them for my sake, as misguided as he could be, and I still love him. I know you were trying to do what was right even when you weren’t sure what that meant, and I know now that the times you didn’t tell the truth to me you were trying to protect me or someone else. I forgive you. I wish you didn’t have to wait so long to talk to me, but I’m glad you didn’t hide it for the rest of your life either. But, let’s talk about your request…”

Suzaku started awkwardly, “Well…there’s someone I saw earlier today who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I’m important to her, and I realized how much she means to me too. It’s Cecile Croomy, my colleague with ASEEC. I’ve worked with her since the first day I piloted a Knightmare, the day I saw Lelouch again in Shinjuku. You’ve met her before, once when she came to find me at Ashford when I was having tea with you and Lelouch, and in our staff meetings when you were Viceroy. She was the one who saved me, as well as Milly, Shirley, and Rivalz when the Black Knights took over Ashford.”

“Oh, it’s the beautiful, nice woman who came up to you earlier. Though I hadn’t seen her before then, I recognized her voice.” Suzaku couldn’t help a slight smile and shook his head slightly at himself. Though she had been blinded temporarily by her father’s Geass and therefore didn’t know Cecile’s face, he should have known her super-sensitive ears might have picked up their conversation in the hangar bay even though she hadn’t been watching him. After she had regained her sight, Nunnally only knew Suzaku’s face from the numerous photos of their group of friends at Ashford Academy, but she hadn’t had a chance to see any of the scant images that existed of him with his coworkers.

Suzaku continued, “It’s a long story, maybe for another time, but when we talked earlier she thought I should try to feel what normal life is like again for a little bit. We haven’t worked out the details yet, but we thought about somehow I could have dinner at her house outside of town, well, assuming we can figure out how I can get there given this…” He raised the Zero mask slightly in one hand to indicate the issue. “I guess I wanted to ask if I could get Friday night off, after the events are over…”

Nunnally was pleasantly surprised that Suzaku was having a motivation to do something other than work all the time. “Of course, Suzaku. Why don’t you take the whole weekend off if you need to? You know you’re the only one who’s worked for the last two years straight without a day off, don’t you? I knew it wasn’t good for you, but I wanted you to work out what you needed on your own. I know we can shift around the duty schedule to accommodate you. Talk to Sayoko, or I can help also if you need it.”

“Thank you so much, Nunnally. There are a lot of things I’m trying to figure out right now, but it means a lot for you to help me with this.”

“I’m very happy to be there for you.”

“I should let you get ready to call it a night, but I’ll see you first thing tomorrow.”

Suzaku put the Zero mask back on and excused himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Finally, it was late Friday afternoon, and Nunnally was back in her quarters in the safety of the ship. Suzaku in his Zero outfit walked off the _Avalon_ with a couple of the other security detail members onto the tarmac and went to a white government-owned cargo van, similar to countless others at Pearl Harbor and other Britannian military facilities. He opened the back door, and Sayoko looked back from the driver seat. He got in the back and closed the door, leaving the other agents, and Sayoko drove the van off the Ford Island flight line and out one of the gates in the fence.

The van drove a circuitous path across the base to make sure no random vehicle drivers or passers-by would see more than part of the trip. Finally, after about ten minutes, they stopped in one of the long-term parking lots, where personnel for ships going out on deployment would leave their vehicles. Suzaku opened the back door and got back out, now wearing nondescript and fairly conservative civilian clothes, a button-down shirt and trousers, as well as sunglasses and a ballcap to make him less identifiable. He also had a small bag with some personal electronics, toiletries, and what not in case they might be useful. It felt a bit weird to him packing for an outing like a regular person again.

He left his Zero outfit in a duffel bag for Sayoko to take back to the _Avalon_ , lest he get stopped for some reason and have to explain what it was. Cecile was standing next to a car a short distance away in a modest knee-length summer dress and fancy sandal-like shoes, and she waved to him.

Suzaku turned to Sayoko and said, “Thank you so much, Miss Sayoko.”

She responded, “You’re welcome, sir. See you soon.”

He closed the door, and the van drove off. He carried one of the numerous disposable burner phones they had on hand in case Nunnally or someone else on the staff had to contact him. If anything seriously urgent came up, they would send out a VTOL aircraft or helicopter to retrieve him.

Suzaku went up to Cecile, and they hugged each other. She surprised him with a quick little kiss on the cheek.

“You look really pretty, Cecile!”

“Thank you! How are you, Suzaku?”

He smiled awkwardly. “Good! This feels different…” he said, gesturing at his clothes, “I haven’t worn normal clothes in a while.”

“You look nice! I’m glad you’re doing this. You ready to go?”

“Yeah!”

Cecile got into the driver’s seat, and Suzaku got into the passenger side. As Cecile started the car and pulled out, he remarked, “The weather here feels kind of like Tokyo at this time of year.”

“You mean humid and a bit sweaty?” she replied, turning on the air conditioning. “I was able to get the things you asked for from the base commissary,” she added, gesturing at the bags in the back.

Suzaku looked back over his shoulder at the groceries briefly. “Thanks! I hope it wasn’t too much trouble.”

“No, of course not.”

As they crossed the bridge from Ford Island to the main part of Pearl Harbor, Suzaku looked out at the ships pier-side. He recognized some of the hull numbers as vessels he had been in command over in previous battles and he let out a bit of a sigh.

Cecile noticed and asked, “What’s up?”

“Well, it’s just a couple of those destroyers over there were in the fleet I commanded in combat against the Black Knights right after Nunnally became Viceroy of Japan.”

“Oh, yes, I remember that now; it was a miracle that not too many people got hurt.” Most of the ships in that engagement against the enemy submarine had sustained significant damage but stayed afloat, and almost all of them were eventually returned to service. Suzaku thought about the possibility he might one day have to lead them again into some future battle.

Cecile glanced with a tinge of concern at Suzaku, and he noticed and met her eyes. She remembered that he had been in the middle of a long-form physical that day and left in order to lead that mission, and she had wanted him to stay in the hospital with her. He had a tendency to try to put everything and everyone else ahead of himself, and she was always a bit worried that it would hurt him, physically or emotionally, if it hadn’t already.

Suzaku tried to shake himself out of it. He tried to remind himself that the people who were serving on those ships probably were reminded daily in some way of the incident yet still went to work and then went home every day like everyone else. “Hopefully I’ll do better if there’s ever a next time, but I’ll try to just let it go for today.”

They went out of the base perimeter along with the rest of the commuters heading home for the day and got on the freeway heading west.

As the highway wound through the suburbs, Cecile and Suzaku talked about what it was like living there. For him it felt both unusual and exciting doing something like this with a beautiful woman like her who knew him well and liked him. They passed by a shopping center, and he thought back of being with Euphie the first day he met her walking around in Tokyo. He glanced over at Cecile, and thought “maybe someday…”

The island of Oahu was not a very large place, and in a few minutes they were in a more rural area, driving past green vegetation and rusty red soil. They got off the freeway and into a residential area. Finally, they pulled into the driveway of a modest but modern home on a hillside overlooking the ocean in the distance.

Suzaku remarked, “Your place looks really nice.”

“Thanks, Suzaku. It’s a quiet neighborhood, and it should be pretty private, so just relax!”

Cecile remotely opened the garage door, parked them inside, and lowered the door behind them.

As they got out of the car, Suzaku offered, “Let me help take the groceries in for you.”

“Thanks!” Cecile said as she opened the back of the car and picked up one of the smaller bags. Suzaku was able to hold a lot of the rest of the provisions. Cecile unlocked the interior garage door and held it for Suzaku to get through.

They went into the kitchen, and Cecile kicked her shoes off by the door before setting her purse and the grocery bag on the counter. Suzaku put the bags he was carrying on the counter next to hers and stopped for a moment to look out the window at the summer sun getting lower in the sky, reflecting off the ocean. The backyard outside had a small swimming pool, and the fencing and vegetation separated it well from the neighboring houses on either side. Cecile stopped next to him, touched his arm, and said, “It’s really beautiful in the evening here!”

After they got everything they needed out of the car put away, Cecile started to help Suzaku find all the cookware he was trying to use. They talked as she showed him where the various items were in the drawers and cabinets.

Finally, when they had everything they needed, Suzaku went over to one of the bags of groceries that were still out and started reaching into it, “Okay, where was the…”

Right then, Cecile was standing next to him and nudged him in the ribs playfully with her elbow. He looked at her, smiling and raising an eyebrow, “Hey, what was that for?”

She looked at him slyly and said, “Okay, you never really liked my cooking, did you, Suzaku? Admit it!” She rubbed his arm with her hand, still looking expectantly into his eyes with a smile.

“Uh, well, I always _really_ appreciated your doing that…but…I guess…” As the memories of some of her bizarre food combinations went through his head, he tried to find a way to say it gracefully, and he put his hand on the small of her back and caressed her gently. “…It was just that in the food you made, there would be some of the ingredients that would be…mmm…kind of _different_?”

Cecile giggled and jokingly gave him a small slap on the arm. “So you think my taste is weird?”

He scratched his head with his free hand and smiled awkwardly. “Well, most of it’s fine, but it would always be just one or two things…”

He changed his tone slightly, “…but I was hoping we might be able to find something we both like together.”

Cecile looked into his eyes affectionately. “Okay, so let’s get started!”

Cecile helped Suzaku prepare some of the ingredients and so forth but let him do most of the cooking as he had offered. In the meantime, she also set the small dining table while they talked.

During a lull, she got a wine bottle out and poured herself a little in a glass before going back over to Suzaku at the stove.

“Hi, the table’s ready.”

“Thanks!”

As she watched him working, she leaned against the counter and asked, “How did you learn to cook?”

“Well, after…my father was gone, I didn’t have other family left and had to learn to do a lot of things on my own, so, I figured out how to make some of the things that I grew up with. Since I decided to become an honorary Britannian and a soldier, I was able to work my way to a spot in a Britannian-run school that prepared students for going into the military, and I got a lot more exposure to Britannian food. Also, at Ashford they had some extracurricular culinary courses for the students. Since most of the students live on campus, and there are kitchens in the dorms, I guess enough of them end up wanting to try their hand at making their own meals once in a while. So at some point, before I got there, they started some classes off hours every week or so for the students who were interested, and I went to a few to learn a bit. How about you?” He was a tad bit curious about how Cecile had developed her habits.

“Oh, so you want to know why I have… _different_ …cooking ideas?”

“Well, to be honest, that’s part of it…”

“My family growing up wasn’t terribly well off, so what I ate at home wasn’t terribly varied, but I had gotten good grades and was able to get into a good school. I’d ask my friends if I could try a little bit of what they brought for lunch every day, so it would be this or that. I guess I learned to not be very picky and ate things that most people don’t put together. So, as my mom would try to teach me what she knew about cooking, I’d try to some of the different things I’d seen, or my own take on it. Also, part of me thought of it as an experiment, a new thing to try every day, putting something together and seeing how it would be.”

“You must have enjoyed chemistry class,” Suzaku wondered aloud.

“Yes, I did, actually!” she replied with a smile. “I was able to earn a scholarship to the Imperial Colchester Institute, you know, where Lloyd and Rakshata went to school as well, and I cooked for myself when I lived there. It’s probably my biggest hobby outside of the science and engineering-related ones.”

“Thanks for telling me. I’m sorry if I, or any of the rest of us, made you feel unappreciated about your cooking. I guess I didn’t want to be rude or anything and wasn’t sure what I could say.”

“Oh, it’s okay. It’s basically been that way my whole life. I’m not _completely_ oblivious to the looks that people give me about it. Sometimes I don’t realize a new combination I’m trying is something most others wouldn’t like, but I suppose it just happened so much when I was little that eventually I started mostly ignoring it.” She added, pointing slightly with her glass, “That smells great, by the way.”

“Thanks. Oh, could you help me with that pan over there? This one is almost done.”

“Sure!”

As Suzaku got finished cooking the food, they started moving over to the dining table. He had prepared one more Japanese-styled dish and one more Britannian-styled one. They sat across from each other and talked and laughed as they ate. Cecile asked him about the places he had gone in his travels with Empress Nunnally, and he in turn asked her about where she had been with ASEEC and the _Avalon_ , and the various projects she had been working on. She talked about the couple times they had a visit in Japan at Yokosuka and Atsugi where she had been able to go out to Tokyo to see Milly and some of the others they had known from Ashford.

As they slowly finished eating, Cecile complemented him, “That was delicious, Suzaku! Thank you so much for cooking.”

“No, it’s my pleasure. Thank you for letting me share with you.”

“I should let you do this more often!”

“I’d love to, well, when I can see you…”

She reached across and touched his hand. “But, seriously, thank you for making it a chance to get to know each other better. I haven’t seen you smile like this in such a long time.”

Suzaku couldn’t help a slight blush.

After finishing up, they did a quick clean up. The evening was pretty mild, and Cecile suggested they watch the sunset together on the back patio. They went out and sat together on the little outdoor sofa there under the awning. She put her wine glass on the small table next to them. The sun was a yellow-orange and had started to touch the horizon. The few clouds in the sky reflected the orange light, contrasting with the deepening blue of the sky behind them.

Cecile sat close to Suzaku, leaning against him a little, and they lazily talked about old times. She caressed his arm with her hand, and he leaned his head on hers. After a while he grew silent, and they watched the red sun gradually disappear behind the waves of the Pacific, with just the sounds of the breeze and wildlife in the background.

Suzaku had been holding in some of the things on his mind for the past couple days, and he felt that this was about the right time to bring them up. Eventually, he spoke up slowly.

“There were some things I wanted to tell you about, difficult things, but you’re the only one I have now who knows me well enough for me to trust with them. I was tired of all the lies that Lelouch told me to hide his Geass and being Zero and the lies I had to tell to try to protect him and Nunnally, but I don’t want there to be secrets like that between us anymore, and I want you to really understand me.”

Cecile was concerned for him that he was hiding things that were even more painful than the ones she already knew about and mentally braced herself. “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“You might have gotten some of this in the debrief from Prince Schneizel after I decided to confirm the existence of Geass to him, but there are things I’ve felt I had to keep to myself. One of them was from when I was a child, ten years old, when Britannia invaded Japan…” He bit his lip for a moment. He had only willingly told anyone about this a couple times before, and one of those had been with Euphie.

“I was a stubborn little kid.”

“You don’t say?” Cecile teased.

“Well, it was more than that, I was selfish and angry,” Suzaku said, trying to keep it more serious. He looked into her eyes and then looked away, and she waited patiently for him to continue. “As the Japanese hopelessly tried to fight the Britannians, I saw more and more people die. I was afraid. I was shocked that so many had to kill and be killed, and I tried to ask my father, the prime minister, why. He believed that the Japanese should never surrender and fight until the bitter end. I didn’t agree with him. Why continue to demand senseless, certain death of everyone, including the innocent, when there was no longer any realistic means to resist? I tried to change his mind, but he refused…”

He paused, and there was silence for a while. Cecile took his hand. She knew that he wanted to get this out, even though it was hard, and she wanted to try to help him get it off his chest. “I’m here… Every story about it says that he then committed suicide…”

Suzaku squeezed her hand and sighed. “That’s not what really happened.” He gulped and continued. “We got into an argument, a really bad one. I was angry that he, one person, could stop the slaughter right then by communicating surrender to the Britannians himself but would not, and wanted all of us to die in the name of honor. On impulse, in a moment of rage, I saw his sword, and thought maybe I could end the fighting…”

Cecile bit her lip.

He went on, “…and I drew it and stabbed him.” His voice broke slightly as he said it, and he had to stop for a moment. “The way it happened…it basically looked like he had committed hara-kiri or seppuku to the rest of his staff, so they covered it up and used that story to surrender to Britannia. As much to save face for themselves, they decided I wouldn’t be punished. I realized that I had gotten peace for Japan and saved the lives of my people, but I had…committed murder to do it. I decided from then on that for anything else I did to have meaning I had to do things the right way. You actually asked me about it a long time ago, when you asked why I had resigned as Euphie’s knight, but I didn’t tell you the whole truth then. I didn’t want to dishonor her, and I didn’t have a right to get special treatment, with what I had done before.”

Cecile could tell it had really shaken him. He was only ten years old and probably didn’t understand the gravity of what he had done until it was too late to undo, and he’d had to carry that burden ever since. She recognized he still had more to tell her. She put her arm around his waist and held him.

As they sat together quietly, the crescent moon that hung in the sky got brighter and clearer as the sun faded below the horizon.

Finally, Suzaku started again, “I didn’t really tell you about this before either.” Suzaku paused, as it was hard for him to bring back up the memories. “During the Second Battle of Tokyo, the F.L.E.I.J.A…I didn’t tell you what really happened.” Cecile pulled him a little closer, as she knew that the battle was one of the few sources of tension that had come between them, and must have been a huge burden on him, if she knew him well.

He continued, “I told you before the battle about having the mental preparation to _not_ fire it, but afterwards I said to Cornelia and Schneizel that I fired it to become the Knight of One. That’s not actually why I used it.” She remembered she had noted at the time it was, like some previous incidents, out of character for him, and she was upset with him that he had contradicted his earlier resolve and that he had wanted to argue with her about it.

“I didn’t tell you everything about the Geass that Lelouch had used on me. Remember on Shikine Island, right after I became a knight, how I was lured into a trap by Zero, and I tried to hold him there until the missiles launched at us impacted? And then I ignored my orders and escaped in the Lancelot when the _Avalon’s_ hadron cannon fired?”

“Yes,” she responded, not being very happy about the memory, which was another one of those out-of-character incidents, though she was happy he was alive.

“Lelouch, using his Geass, gave me a command to ‘live’, and, against my will, I closed the Lancelot’s hatch with him and got away.

“In Tokyo, when I was fighting and losing to Kallen in the Guren, I was finished and had accepted my fate to die then and there.” He looked up into Cecile’s eyes. “I felt…I could finally in death find atonement, or redemption, for all the wrong I had done, and I was ready for it. But, like in every other situation when my mind sensed I was likely about to die, the Geass kicked in to force me to defend myself, to ‘live’. I can’t even clearly remember it because of how the Geass removes your memories, but when that happened I apparently drew the one weapon I had left, the F.L.E.I.J.A. launcher, and shot it at the Guren.”

Suzaku looked away. Cecile knew what happened next. Approximately ten million lives were extinguished in a sphere of intense pink light. They were silent for a few minutes, and Cecile rubbed Suzaku’s back.

“After that, when I thought I had killed Nunnally and so many…millions…of others, part of me felt that if I followed Lelouch’s example of ‘the ends justify the means’ I could finally end all that conflict. I hardened my heart to try to ignore and hide the pain. But even though I didn’t really notice it at the time, what ended up hurting the longest, maybe not the most but the longest, was that I felt ashamed that I had disappointed you. I’m just thankful now that you never had to experience the anguish of being violated by having Geass used on you.”

Cecile had to think to take it all in. Suzaku had been through so much. He had sought redemption in trying to find peace, by showing that people could be equal to each other through achievement and doing the right thing, yet in the course of attempting that he ended up killing so many. On the other hand, in the F.L.E.I.J.A. incident where the vast majority died, though Suzaku physically pushed the button, it was Lelouch’s Geass command that actually was in control in that moment, and Suzaku couldn’t even remember doing it. Yet even then, if Lelouch had never used his Geass on him, Suzaku wouldn’t be alive to be with her right now. It was a big tangle of paradoxes.

“I’m so sorry, Cecile. After all those lives I took… How do I deserve to live? How do I deserve to be loved by anyone?”

“Suzaku, my hands aren’t clean either. Though I didn’t take any lives on the front lines the way you did, even when I came to help you and fight off the Black Knights when they took over Ashford, I helped you prepare for every battle and was your tactical coordinator for almost every battle. If I hadn’t worked on the Guren and just left it broken, it might have not entered that battle at Tokyo the way it did, and your Geass might not have kicked in to make you use the F.L.E.I.J.A. I chose to side with you and Lelouch after Emperor Charles was defeated even though I knew your plan would cause deaths. There are so many points when actions I took or didn’t take led to people dying. I still think about it like you do and wonder if different choices would have been better.

“It’s not easy for anyone to try to overcome a tragedy they feel at fault for, but you learn to accept it as part of yourself and then try to let it go and move on. I know from what you’ve told me about Euphie that she’d want you to be happy and not keep dwelling on your mistakes, the bad things in your past.

“It might seem small in the face of all that’s happened, but I love you. You might be unsure of your worth to the world because of those mistakes, but you mean something to _me_. I only talked to C.C. about this before, but the real reason I followed you when chose the path of the Zero Requiem with Lelouch was because I’m in love with you and I knew that your goodness was still inside you somewhere and guiding your decisions.

“You said that the Geass told you to ‘live.’ Let yourself live a full life. Please, Suzaku, really… _live_.”

Suzaku looked into Cecile’s eyes, reflecting the moonlight. In the moment, he did what he felt in his heart. With the arm he had around her waist, he pulled her in a bit closer and then used his free hand to brush her hair away from her face and hold her cheek. He moved in, touching his nose to hers, and then they closed their eyes and kissed.


	4. Chapter 4

Too soon the weekend was over, and it was first thing on Monday. Cecile was up earlier than she would normally be for a work day with Suzaku so they could beat the morning rush hour traffic trying to get onto base. She was wearing her uniform now, though Suzaku was still in civilian clothes.

They rode together in the car through the dim blue light of the pre-dawn morning, and they held hands whenever she didn’t need to use her right hand to operate something.

As they neared the gate, Suzaku could see Sayoko standing with the sentry and someone who was probably the base police commander. Sayoko and the sentry pointed to the side for them to go into the vehicle inspection area, away from where the rest of the commuters were going through to have their IDs checked. They pulled over, and Cecile lowered the window as Sayoko walked quickly over. Suzaku noticed that the white van from the other day was sitting a short distance in front of them. Sayoko looked in and said hi to them momentarily and signaled to the police commander that everything was in order, and they waved them to continue in. Cecile drove them back to the large parking lot where they were Friday.

The sun was just starting to peek over the hills to the east, the bright yellow light cutting through the deep blue of the shadows. They got out of the car, and Suzaku got his bag out and slung it over his shoulder before closing the door and walking over to Cecile’s side. She had just gotten out of the car also and stopped to look up into his eyes. It was a bit hard for him to know what to say. Even though they would both be on the _Avalon_ for the next few hours, he would have to be there as Zero again, and they wouldn’t be able to talk.

She put her arms around his neck and kissed him, and he held her waist tightly.

He said to her, “I’m going to miss you so much.” He knew that after all the closeness he’d had over the past couple days, it would feel different going back to the same routine and would be difficult to feel the same way going through his daily life.

She looked kindly into his eyes. “I’ll miss you too, but it means so much to me that we could spend time together like this. I’ve missed you so much the past two years that I can’t help but just feel so happy that we found each other again.”

He kissed her tenderly, and they held it for a long time.

The white van Sayoko was driving came around a corner and started making its way down the aisle of cars towards them. Cecile and Suzaku stopped to glance over at it, and the van came to a stop some distance away. Suzaku thought that maybe Sayoko was trying to give them a bit of space.

He looked back at Cecile. “I don’t want to go, but…”

“I know, Suzaku. We’ll see each other in not too long.” Cecile had some leave days saved up, and they had started trying to see how they could arrange to meet up, maybe in a couple months.

Though he tried to hide it at first, Suzaku’s green eyes started to well up. Blue eyes met green, and she reached up and wiped his tears away.

Suzaku said softly, “Cecile, I love you…”

Cecile replied, her own eyes filling as well, “I love you so much, Suzaku.”

They kissed deeply and held for a long time.

Finally, they let go. Suzaku took her hands and squeezed them. A tear rolled down Cecile’s cheek, and he reached up to wipe it away gently.

He turned slightly away and bit his lip. He had to go. He looked back at her and smiled, and he said gently, “Hey, I’ll call you tonight once I’m on deck in California.”

She tried to give the smile she always did for him. “Thank you, Suzaku. I’ll talk to you soon.”

They finally had to let go of each other’s fingertips.

Suzaku turned away and started walking towards the van. Cecile stifled a small sniffle. He looked back, and as he got to the van, he waved to her one last time, and she waved back.

Suzaku closed the back door of the van and noted the bag with the Zero outfit was there as he sat down. Sayoko turned to look back from the driver seat into the back of the van. “Good morning, sir! Your weekend went well?”

He nodded modestly and replied with a tone of quiet gratitude, “Thanks, it was great!”

* * *

Onboard the _Avalon_ , Cecile was in the lab, at one of the computers looking through the messages that came in over the weekend. While it was back to the routine for her, she couldn’t help feeling a bit distracted.

Lloyd noticed that Cecile had a sort of odd glow about her a little. “I take it things went well on your little dinner date with our boy?”

She smiled brightly. “Yes, very well!”

Empress Nunnally’s departure was relatively free of fanfare compared to her arrival. Suzaku, back in the Zero outfit, was making sure everything was in order on her transport craft in the hangar bay. Prince Schneizel had already left on other tasking and would meet up with them in a couple days. Most of the staff were loading or boarding the various transport craft or carrying out other administrative and logistics duties. The _Avalon’s_ crew went about their normal daily tasks for the most part. Everything had been planned well in advance, and Suzaku was primarily just supervising at this point.

Finally, it was time for Suzaku to take Nunnally down to the transport. Along with several other members of her security detail, he assisted her with her wheelchair through the passageways of the ship down to the hangar. There were a few last words with the Pacific Fleet admiral and the CO of the ship.

Cecile stepped out into the hangar bay from the lab area and stood quietly some distance away. As Suzaku wheeled Nunnally aboard, he noticed her there and nodded slightly at her. She smiled back at him. The ramp came up, and pretty soon the engines started.

Once the checklists were finished and clearance had been granted from the various air traffic controllers, the transport lifted slightly off the hangar deck floor.

Suzaku went to a window where he might be able to see Cecile one last time. He adjusted the transparency of the glass and could make her out still standing at the edge of the hangar in her orange uniform.

The boatswain once again sounded the bells and piped the side. “Empress of Britannia, departing.”

Cecile could see Suzaku in the window, and she raised her arm over her head and waved. He raised his hand and waved back to her. The transport pitched forward slightly and slowly eased out of the hangar door into the sunlight. Suzaku looked back for her as long as he could until she disappeared out of sight.

Cecile watched as the transport accelerated away and then started its departure turn and disappeared from view. She sighed and turned to walk back towards the lab, torn between the part of her that was sad Suzaku had left and the part of her that felt ecstatic and in love. She reached for her phone in her uniform pocket. There was a photo there she had taken, of the two of them from the previous afternoon. They were sitting in her backyard, holding close and laughing together. Looking at it, she couldn’t help but smile.

* * *

The bright afternoon sunlight reflected off the passing clouds as the transport flew east over the Pacific Ocean.

Suzaku was once again staring out the window lost in thought behind the Zero mask.

Something to live for… He had his duties to defend justice and fight for what was good. He had his duties to protect Nunnally. But now he also once more had someone he loved to hope for, long for, fight for, and survive to see again.

Euphie would always have a special place in his heart, and part of him would always love her, but he realized that he had become one of so many others who had lost someone very special in their lives yet continued to live on.

He thought silently, “Lelouch, I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise to you the way you asked, but I’ll try my best to keep working for the dream you wanted. There’s just something else I have to do as well.”

He knew things would be more complicated now. Not having connections as a person and an individual meant not having to think about anything other than work, which, while dehumanizing, made life simple. Now, if he wanted to make this work out, he would have to decide when to compromise, when to put Cecile first and when to put his duties first, and in many ways that would be more difficult. This was something new, and he couldn’t help being somehow both a bit excited and worried at the same time.

He took out the phone he had in his pocket and unlocked it. There was a photo there, the same one Cecile had been looking at, of the two of them together, laughing. There was a reminder set at the bottom of the screen in a few hours to call her. Under the Zero mask, Suzaku smiled. He wasn’t sure what was next, what tomorrow would bring, but they would figure it out together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this writing project first started when I was watching the US release of Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion R2 on the Cartoon Network/Adult Swim back in 2009. I believe I had also seen some snippets of the Picture Dramas on the internet showing some of the interactions between Cecile and Suzaku, and a few "what if" scenarios started bouncing around in my head on what would happen if they were able to meet again after the end of the series. There was too much going on in real life for me to develop the ideas even to the point of writing them down, and they got filed away in the back of my head. Years later, in mid-2019 when Netflix got distribution licensing to have the show on their streaming service, I started rewatching the series and became curious if someone had written a story similar to what had been circulating in my head. The only stories that came up in a web search that might have been like what I had in mind were incomplete, and, as I thought more and more about the ideas, I decided I might as well write them down to get them out of my system.
> 
> The original ideas I had were just images or short scenes of interactions, and I realized that they would have to be significantly modified to make a story coherent to the series. The main problem was that the Zero Requiem required that Suzaku fake his death, and his having to hide his identity would make it difficult to get in a situation where he could have those interactions with Cecile. Therefore, I had to design the story around setting up a way for them to meet under those circumstances.
> 
> I had to make a few plot decisions related to the characters that were necessitated by certain questions the show and related material did not answer. The main one was that I went with the assumption that Cecile, C.C., Lloyd, and Jeremiah were the ones who knew about Suzaku's true fate after the Zero Requiem. The "Turn 22.05" Picture Drama showed those four discussing Lelouch and Suzaku carrying out the plan, and a scene near the beginning of Episode 22 shows Suzaku, Lelouch, C.C., and Lloyd discussing the Zero Requiem. As Sayoko does not appear in either of those situations, and only shows up at the beginning of Episode 23 just before the battle of Mt. Fuji (being revealed to have survived the FLEIJA explosion and then MEDEVACed to Avalon), I made the assumption that she had not been read in to the part of the plan about faking Suzaku's death in order to reduce the probability of it being compromised.
> 
> Also, I had toyed with writing a much longer story including various action elements and so forth (e.g. an incident occurs, and Suzaku and Cecile have to respond, including Knightmare combat, etc.), but I decided partly for the sake of time to make it just a romance story. It seemed like a better idea to potentially examine other scenarios in additional stories, rather than risking a project dying on the vine. I also wanted in a way to portray them in a situation that would be more like what happens in real/normal life. In the show their interactions almost always happen in a context of at least brewing conflict, so I thought it would be more interesting to explore the characters in a different environment that allowed focusing on their interpersonal connections.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story.


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